Monday, May 11, 2009

What the fuck am I saying

We count on people for a lot of things, but we mainly count on our family and our friends. For me friends have been my main source of counting. I grew up with my friends and when I say grow up I dont mean grow up in a traditional sense, as in babies. When something ends of course something new must begin and mine took place when I moved to Marlette. So my six close friends came from my beginning, my growing up phase. They have been there for the partying, the drinking and drugs. They heard a life born and then instantly die off. They have guided us through mental breakdowns, illegitment children and fathering children that are not ours. They've seen us move, move back, move away and let it all go. They all hold in common the fact that they see it first, family just hears of it. I dont like to be public, I like personal space, a space that no one else can see. I dont want to let anyone in it, because I dont like sympathy or empathy. I wont get excited, I wont say I like it, I wont cry at a funeral. I wont hug you and like it, I wont be "mushy". I'm not doing this for a response, I am doing this to start over. Like any engine things have to exhaust. I dislike woman, dont like them, I dont respect them. I have proven this time and time again, by misleading, using and leaving them. I do not regret this, I never have and never will. I feel no shame as a matter of fact I enjoyed it. I made it a game, I always win and if I cant, I will make sure we both lose. It has been 8 years since I even tried to care about someone other than my kids and I dont feel an ounce of pain. I feel nothing for the victims of my game, but remember my victims never feel physical pain. I believe in order to physicaly hurt someone you have to be emotional and care. I lack emotion and dont care, I go into everything with an exit strategy, when your planning the day, i've already planned the week. I wont let anyone get a step ahead of me.

"Don't cry, Don't Fear, you wont die, because I don't think deaths real"

In order to be vulnerable you have to feel and if you cant feel then you are always safe. Safety is key, safety is everything. Sometimes games end, faster than they started and safety is thrown away. Marc Antony went to Egypt to kill Cleopatra and instead fell in love. A wolf in a sheep's skin. My games are over, my time is up. I've decided that I have met my match and instead, the revealing wolf has become a sheep. Sometimes the enjoyment of pure happiness is overwhelming and cannot be controlled, sometimes you just don't give a shit what other people think. Sometimes its nice to think you could never fight with someone, get mad or walk away. Sometimes its easier to love than to hate. Sometimes its easier to just................................................... be happy.

1 comment:

Mother Firefly said...

Hmmmm....this is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Once again I applaud your writing. No matter what you say about not letting people in, your emotions come right through the page.

I hope I get some more insight about this on this upcoming weekend.....